I’m a nice person. Well, I’m nice-ish. Let’s put it this way, I aspire to be nice and on most days I am successful. There is however, a hefty dose of Irish running running through my veins and some people can “get my Irish up” with remarkable speed. (You know who you are.)
A decade ago I wasn’t so nice. OK, I could be a real bitch. I didn’t intend to be a bitch, I still tried very hard to be a nice person; a good girl. But I was a woman who was so lost in a sea of desperation and sadness I didn’t even know I was in it. I had no idea how miserable I was because that was the only way I knew how to be. What I did know (and feared) was that a change was coming.
It started when my biggest rant buddy shut down on me. We would frequently get on the phone and complain to each other about our circumstances. We vented our frustrations the way tea kettles vent off steam. Neither of us took any action to improve our lot, but the process of venting relieved enough pressure for us to both go on with our merry martyrdom for another few days. The system worked quit well until she started becoming unavailable.
Without my regular venting sessions my frustrations started to build up. Oh, I tried to find other venting outlets, even though I really wasn’t conscious of the process. Surprisingly, I was unsuccessful in finding someone with whom I could regularly regurgitate my grievances and resentments. My friends seemed to be quite selfish in this regard. Meanwhile, I was becoming more and more…let’s say difficult. I was having to face the full magnitude of my eternal wrath, and it was not pretty. I was becoming desperate; desperate enough to find another way.
The process was slow, painfully slow at first. Many times my “next steps” were happy coincidences that I can now see as divine guidance. I was ready and teacher after teacher appeared. The lessons were hard but loving. The growth was painful but so worth it. I’ve added tool after tool to my belt. They are at the ready for the next “Growth Opportunity” that pops up. The process is on-going but I have long since ceased to fear it. I now see my Life as a blessing and I look forward to what’s ahead.
I clearly remember the thoughts and feelings of the miserable woman I was, but she seems like another life time long ago. Nothing makes me feel more grateful for this evolution than the moments that allow me appreciable evidence of my journey. One such moment happened just year and a half ago.
There was one former in-law with whom I had a very difficult relationship. I had a lot of anger and resentment around him and he had been the focus of a lot of my healing work. Then there came the terrible news that his beautiful daughter had suddenly passed away. I knew I wanted go to her memorial service but I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would all the work I had done be enough to face this man in his deepest grief? How would the family act? How would I feel?
I had just walked into his home and was greeting former in-laws (Despite the divorce, we are all very friendly with each other which is something of which I am very proud.) when I felt someone grab me around the waist from behind. I turned and was enveloped in the arms of this man with whom I had so much trouble in the past. We clung to each other and cried. There was deep, deep healing in that hug. It contained all the confessions, all the amends and all the loving words either of us had ever wanted to express. We were cleansed by grief, by Love and by a connection that neither us really knew was there before, at least not consciously. We had both done our work and now we both were reaping the benefits of the healing. I can not speak for him, but it was an incredible moment for me. A last gift from his daughter.
So today I strive to be a little nicer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will strive to be a little nicer than I was today. I will find more teachers and I will develop more skills and one day I won’t just be “Nice-ish”
Blessings,
Kelly
