The Kindness of "NO"
I got to learn another Life lesson last week, the kindness of “No”.In the last few months I have put myself in a position to ask for a favor on someone else’s behalf.. twice. Apparently I am a slow learner, as that after being treated to one nasty email reply I had put myself in harm’s way once again when someone else again asked the same people for the same favor.As I read the second email with it’s nasty, biting comments I had to be honest with myself. I knew it was a bad idea to ask… both times. I wasn’t directly involved, yet I inserted myself into the fray….both times. It’s as if I was begging to be abused. Part of me wanted to whirl away in my head about how if they only understood the facts they would surely understand that my intentions were good. Here I am, 52 years old and still concerned about what others think of me. Even these particular people, who I have never met and probably never would. Thank God I have done enough work on myself to pull the plug on that pity party before it got rolling.What I did do was to put myself in their situation and try to see the exchange from their perspective. I do not know these people, but knowing what I do of the circumstances, I imagine that they have very good reasons for not wanting to help. Being plagued with the “Good Girl” dilemma myself, I imagined that even though they wanted to say “no” from the beginning that they felt guilty for doing so.The result was the onslaught of a chain email involving over 20 people, all responding with questions, advice and opinions. They demanded answers and the completion of tasks as the price for their involvement. We were already in a state of over-whelm and without other resources which is why we took the leap of asking for their help. After a few weeks and what seemed like tidal waves of emails, we were given the official “NO” along with a dose of righteous chastisement. Hurtful and disappointing as it was, there was relief in the knowledge at at least the emails would stop. Now at least we could put all our attention on to the search for another solution to the problem.In my contemplation of this whole incidence, what became clear to me was that it really would of been kinder for them to have just said “No”. That’s it. I simple clear “No” in the very beginning would of avoided weeks for anguish and stress for everyone on that email chain. “No” would of released them to move on with their lives and “No” would of released us to put our entire attention on seeking other possible solutions. “No” would of saved precious time and efforts. “No” would of sparred all the negativity that was spewed forth in an effort to erase guilty feelings. “No” put forth with Love and Grace can be kind beyond words.I had heard this before. Lots of spiritual teachers have told me of the kindness of “no”. But I am a very Good Girl. I hate being disappointed and therefor hate disappointing others. How many times I have hemmed and hawed on my answer to a request because I couldn’t say no. How many times I said “yes” and then felt resentful. The gift of this situation is that it allowed this lesson to move from my head to my heart. I get it now. I really get it. When a request is made, I will check in with myself, take the time I need, and if the answer is “no”, I will give a clear, simple “No” with Love and Grace.Blessings
